I am at my best when I am in motion.
When I have a deadline looming over my head, I am at my most productive. When I am in a fast paced social arena, I am at my most confident. When I am faced with adversity and the odds are against me, I am at my most motivated. I love who I am when I'm in full motion.
Then there are the quiet times. With too much time on my hands, I get nothing done. When I am in an unfamiliar social situation, I am shy and incapable of starting a conversation. When I am not challenged, I lose my fire and become lethargic. I hate who I am when I am coasting.
Right now I think I'm kind of in a transitional phase. I have almost completely lost my passion for that which has most defined me for the past few years. I have already found a new passion, but I have not yet gotten a chance to sink my teeth into it and really embrace it. I find myself simultaneously aching for a new side project to keep me busy and feeling completely overwhelmed by the side projects I am already juggling (and making so little progress on). It's a sense of restless anticipation, trying to keep myself from sliding too far into inaction while I wait for Timing to catch up with me.
Transitions are nothing new. What is odd about this one is that it is so mellow. Typically, I would cling to the old, dying phase, stubbornly fighting to keep it in the air, until I finally crack. Then I would descend into a passionate, feverish sort of vision quest. When the fever broke, and all of my demons had finished throwing their worst at me, only I would remain. I would have found the thing I was missing, and have a fresh new perspective and a passion to go out and make things happen once again.
But I think I'm starting to apply a bit more prescience to my life these days. I'm able to see the dying phase for what it is, and distance myself from it enough that it doesn't drag me down with it. I'll keep it around just long enough to get me by until the right opportunity presents itself for my next big passion. There's no great drama, no moment of brilliant revelation. Just a little bit of fidgety impatience and a lot of frustration over not being as in-motion as I would like to be.
So where does that leave me? Working for my favorite company ever, in a position that I have lost my love for, attempting to switch to a new position that everyone seems to think I would rock at - but which is taking forever to give me a handhold. Having, for the first time in a very long time, more than enough self confidence to be able to get out there and start dating again, but not being willing to settle for anything less than the amazing degree of chemistry I was recently spoiled with - still lonely, but a more contented form of loneliness than before. Having nothing in my life that I can justifiably complain about, and yet nothing that I feel like raving about either. Just a sort of calm between storms.
I hope the next storm hits soon. All this coasting is driving me batty.